Bobby, honey, don't worry.
Going to your grandmother's for your birthday is gonna be great!
Let's just get this over with.
What's the matter? Aren't you excited to fly to Arizona?
They got the Grand Canyon there.
Of course, you won't be seeing it, but...
No. Because Grandma thinks, "Baby Bobby might fall in."
And anyway, she's got coloring books of the Grand Canyon.
[Singing] This old man came rolling home
This is my place, Bobby. Home sweet home.
Building 42, living space K, in case we get separated.
I know your birthday's not for another few days...
but I'm no good at keeping secrets.
Happy birthday.
BOBBY: A policeman's uniform.
"Ages seven and up."
Tillie, Bobby isn't seven years old.
He's what, nine? Ten?
I'll be 13 next week.
Thirteen? You know, in my religion...
13 is your official passage into manhood.
It's called a bar mitzvah or "big party."
- Is that an Arizona thing? - Arizona, New York, Miami.
I got so many fancy pen-and-pencil sets, I was giving them away for years.
Pen-and-pencil set?
That is very manly. Can I get a bar mitzvah?
I'm willing to celebrate Hanukkah.
Trust me, it's more work than you're gonna wanna put in.
I'll tell you what. Tomorrow, you spend the day with me...
and I'll show you how a man enjoys Arizona.
By the time you leave here, you'll have hair on your kishkas.
What you making, Hank?
Hey, Bill. I'm making a coffin.
- A coffin? - Yep.
I was talking to a client the other day about forest fires...
and I can't remember exactly how the conversation turned to coffins.
But, well, long story short, I got the bug.
Looks nice.
This is my bachelor pad.
And for the next week, because you're so old...
- it's your bachelor pad. - My own pad.
I wish my girlfriend was here.
She really likes to sit up.
- So you got yourself a girlfriend? - Yeah. She's on the left.
- She's a little slip of a thing. - She's got her period already.
Give it 50 years, it'll go away.
Who's the guv?
That's my best friend, Joseph. He won't be 13 for a few months.
Well, feel free to give your little friend a call.
I'll give you some privacy.
I almost forgot. Use my cart.
Count Dracula has thousands of coffins.
They say he sleeps in a different coffin every night.
I don't know if it's true. It's just what I heard.
It sounds true.
No, it sounds made-up. I don't know.
Okay. That should do it.
That is a terrible coffin.
Mr. O'Connor, I'm Bobby Hill. I live next door to you.
I'm having some people over tomorrow night, eightish to whenever.
- What can I bring? - Your appetite and your wife.
And some potato salad if she brings her appetite.
Honey, do you want butter beans or lima beans?
Are you building a coffin?
Yep. One for me and one for you.
Hank, why doesn't the lid on mine close all the way?
It does. I mean, it almost closes.
- I'll make sure it closes come the big day. - No, Hank.
You will build me a new one.
Because if you try to stick the late Peggy Hill in an inferior casket...
she will come back to haunt you. I will see to it.
"To Mr. Bobby Hill."
Yes! Today I am a man!
You know, Joseph is also coming home today from summer camp.
So I thought we'd all go out to dinner.
We're meeting the Gribbles over at Rattlesnake's.
That's nice. Joseph's a good kid.
I'm planning on taking him under my wing...
like Garry did with me.
- Joseph? - Hev. Bobby.
So, did you grow mostly in a few nights or evenly throughout the summer?
I don't know.
Hi, I'm Jennifer. How is everyone tonight?
Jennifer, we're fantastic!
Can I start you out with something to drink?
No. I'll take the other menu like my young friend.
Thank you, Jennifer.
Bobby, order off the kid's menu while you still can. it's cheaper.
- I'll have beer. - Beer.
Beer, Jennifer!
- Let me guess. Beer. - Who?
- What? Me? - Him?
So, can you believe it?
He must have put six inches on him.
Can you believe it? Hank, can you?
- Peggy, can you believe it? - Well, I have to, Dale.
- I see Joseph right here. - You got to see it to believe it.
- Well put. - I could take your order now.
- Chicken! - Sir?
- Chicken. - Okay.
Son?
The chicken, please.
Is that the Chicken Wing Dings or the Choo Choo Chicken Fingers?
Choc Choc.
Well, how's my little birthday man?
- You notice I said "man." - You also said "little."
Bobby, honey, I know you want an adult party.
And what you need is a professional disc jockey.
So, guess where I was from 3:10 until 5:00 today?
The Learning Annex.
DJ Spaz taught me how to really turn it out.
- Mom-- - I learned how to scratch.
- No. - And cut and wipe--
I was kind of hoping that you and Dad would stay in the garage during the party.
But I have carried the cake in 12 years in a row.
All right.
It's your father, isn't it? You know, he will be fine...
- if you only want me there, honey-- - Mom!
Very well. Let's get your first big mistake as a teenager out of the way.
Hey, Joseph.
My mom said I could have a six-foot sub for my party.
I could use a little help taste-testing.
I don't have time for this, Bobby. I've got a lot of important stuff to stow.
It's my 13th birthday.
And if you want me to sneak you into any PG-13 movies...
you had better get on your bike and help me eat subs!
I said no.
BOBBY: So then I asked Joseph if he wanted to go riding bikes.
And he was all:
"No. I got some things to do around the house."
What's with that? He went to kids' camp.
I'm the one who just spent a week in a retirement community.
You know, Bobby...
there are some days of the month that I don't like to ride a bike either.
You mean because you got your period?
- I chose not to use that word. - Why?
- It's a natural, beautiful thing. - You don't understand.
You're not there yet.
You had better check the map, honey!
Because I am living in downtown there!
So, fixing up your bike to sell it?
I guess you'll be getting a motorcycle or a Town Car or something.
[Joseph grunts]
Yeah. Well, here's an invitation for my birthday party.
There's gonna be a lot of stuff you'll like there.
- You know, grown-up stuff like dancing. - Dancing?
No, I don't think so.
What is so funny, Mr. Five-Feet-Ten-inches with your fancy armpit hair?
I'm guessing.
Joseph, what's going on?
- I can't dance. - Compared to me, no.
I've got stretch marks on my shoulders and zits on my back.
I can't even ride my own bike anymore!
And a million times a day my dad asks me, "How's the weather up there?"
Tell him it's fair to partly stupid.
Man, you always know just what to say.
That's why you have a girlfriend.
Yeah, I do, don't I?
I want a girl, too! Oh, God!
I just can't stop thinking about them!
I can't get girls out of my head! I just... Just get out!
Come on, Joseph. I told Charise you were coming to my party...
and she didn't turn me down.
I bet she grew this summer, too.
And she's always been really tall.
- I didn't know you sewed, Hank. - Sewer!
I am not sewing.
I am upholstering, which is one of the five original industrial arts.
Whatever you say, Aunt Bee.
While you're at it, maybe you can quilt one of them coffins for me.
It's only a matter of time before Joseph's hormonal rage...
forces him to kill me in my sleep and marry my mother.
Anyhoo, are you gonna button-tuck the folds?
Yeah, man. You know, needle got a lot of better ways...
in them dang old... Button-tucking them folds?
[Contemporary pop music playing on stereo]
Well, I won't be able to blow out my candles...
because you just took my breath away.
Happy birthday, Bobby.
Have you girls seen the new Joseph?
Hey, Alexis. Hi, Stacy.
Oh, Hank. I have carried in Bobby's birthday cake...
for every one of his birthdays.
I am the Cal Ripken of birthday cakes.
Now look at me.
Banished to the garage while Bobby's party goes on without me...
or a decent mix tape.
Hey, let's start a new tradition for Bobby's birthday.
What do you say you and me just cut loose?
And I ordered pizza.
Come on. I want to show you something.
Feel that.
It's so plush.
Well, it better be. it's silk stuffed with Canadian goose down.
See, I made yours better than mine.
Mine's just fiberfill left over from when we insulated the attic.
Oh, Hank. It's like sleeping on a marshmallow.
Come on, J! Help me bust a move.
Sorry. I just... Sorry.
What are you staring at, weirdo?
Where are you going? I totally hooked you up with Charise.
- Why didn't you put the moves on her? - I don't have any moves, Bobby.
Okay. I like working with a clean slate.
Come learn moves from the master.
As promised, I present to you the VIP sub.
Hey, your hands are really soft.
I have a new soap.
Well, you must be using it on your face, too...
because your skin is beautiful.
What are you talking about? My face is all broken out.
- Hey, did you kiss me today? - What?
Enjoy.
Bobby! Joseph is right here!
So? Maybe he'll learn something.
Bobby, you did this so Joseph could watch?
You're such a creep!
Oops.
Time of the month.
Hey, don't blame you being a jerk on my...
Which I'm not about to talk to either of you about...
and which I am not even having anyway because of track!
Joseph likes to watch.
[Knock on door]
Use doorbell, you idiot!
Connie, it's for you.
If it's Bobby, slam the door in his face!
I wish it was so I could. But it just Jolly Gribble Giant.
What is it now? Did you come here to watch me do my homework?
I just wanted to say it was all my fault.
I mean, Bobby did it to help me 'cause...
I'm such a... Oh, man!
I'm not good with girls.
You can't be any worse than Bobby.
The way he tried to kiss me in front of...
- Well, you were there. - Anyways, I'm sorry.
So, see you. Bye.
Ow!
Idiot!
No, you're not. I don't think you're an idiot.
Connie, I rehearsed an apology. But I'm gonna throw it away...
because nothing says "I'm sorry" like "I'm sorry."
Connie, I rehearsed an apology. But...
[Bobby and Joseph grunt]
Bobby, are you okay?
.Qw! 'BObbyl
If my hand didn't hurt so much, I'd do it again.
What the hell?
CONNIE: Stop it!
I'm bleeding!
Oh, look at you. You grow like bamboo.
- Hey, what happened to his nose? - I took care of business.
Me and my hammer.
We'd better get some ice on that before you bleed all over the hand-loomed kilim.
- What were you doing, Connie? - I don't know. It just...
I think you'd better calm down.
How can I calm down?
You were kissing Joseph! You are not allowed to kiss Joseph!
I can kiss whoever I want, Bobby.
So I guess you're dating Joseph now, is that it?
Well, maybe I wanted to kiss a guy with a mustache.
And maybe I didn't want to wait for you.
What? I made you!
You were just a dumb "A" student until I hit the scene!
Why would you... I just don't... That does it!
I am breaking up with you.
[Bobby grunts]
Oh, that's right. You blew it!
Jerk!
[Bobby exclaims]
That little hillbilly pack quite a wallop.
- You want some naproxen? - No, I'm okay.
How did tall, dark, and handsome get butt-kicked by short, fat, and redneck?
[Romantic instrumental music]
Joseph. What's going on?
Oh, you so cute. Kahn gonna get a big kick out of this.
Joseph, how could you?
Sorry. I just...
I thought you liked me.
Oh, yeah. You rock my world.
What the...
Something at the party must have upset Joseph.
You know, it's an awkward age...
what with acne and whatnot.
You think I should get out of my coffin and see what's going on?
Over my dead body.
I'm sure they're fine. Pass the chips.
Hey, Joseph. How's the weather up there?
That's it!
What are you doing here?
I came to apologize and make out with tongues.
I don't know where your tongue's been.
Oh, wait. Yes, I do.
I didn't mean to kiss Joseph. It was just that...
He was so sad and tall.
And you're so loose and cheap.
Connie, wait!
Where are you going?
I'm going as far as...
an eighth of a tank of gas'll get me.
Take me with you.
What are you doing with my woman?
- I'm not your property! - Leave us alone.
I said I was sorry. So let's do tongues now.
- You're going to French? - No way!
- You said. - I did not!
DALE: Oh, no!
MY Bl-Ig-a-Bago!
What evil hath been wrought to befall this upon me?
Who did this?
- I don't know, Dale. - Was it you?
Let me... I wanna...
Calm down, Dale. Maybe one of these kids saw something.
Bobby, did you see who did this?
It was probably teenagers.
- Yep. Teenagers. - Teenagers.
Damn teenagers!
I guess you're off the hook.
But don't leave town.
Who wants birthday cake?
Yes! Thirteen for 13!
In your face, boy!
[Rapping] Hey, Bobby, it's your birthday
That's right, I served you cake I'm Peggy, pull your leggy
Oh, Bobby, let's go Say what?
That's right I'm all that, I'm Peggy!
Get funky
DALE: Jennifer, we're fantastic!